Crash Into Me

My time home from the car accident is beginning to wind down. In less than 2 weeks, I will be back to the routine of the early morning hustle and bustle; rushing my son, rushing myself and fighting traffic while desperately trying to make it in to the office at 9 AM on the dot, if not before. Then immediately beginning to feel unsettled for having to go through all of that to spend 8 hours at a job I have no passion for or fulfillment from. The routine will likely be the same as it always was. Yet I will be different. When I return to work, I will have been off for approximately 10 weeks. A lot of time, though now that it’s winding down, it feels like 10 minutes.

So much has happened since my car accident on June 5. I had a medical scare from the pain medicine that was prescribed to me. My boyfriend and I broke up for good. I got a new car. I checked an item off my bucket list when I went to a Coldplay concert. I did not go to Jamaica (a previously planned vacation with the now ex-boyfriend). I finally took yoga classes, instead of just doing yoga at home. I started the practice of meditating. I finally did a major makeover of my son’s bedroom, which propelled a major makeover of my condo as a whole. This much-needed project included getting a fish tank (with some fabulous fish) and, much to my surprise, was largely completed with the assistance of my ex-husband. Working together, we created a warm and loving space for our son in my home. We were able to find closure on many things through this time. I invested time with family and friends. I invested time in myself. Writing this out and looking back, I have to say I am pretty pleased with how I utilized this period in my life.

The first few weeks after the accident were precarious. I was rear-ended at a red light while on my way to work.  My car had been totaled and I was written out of work to heal up. I suppose the timing couldn’t have been better since I was also already on the mend from having my heart broken as a result of my relationship ending. During those initial weeks, I ran through a gamut of emotions: hurt, sadness, anger, confusion, frustration, more anger, more hurt and feeling downright pissed about things that transpired from the breakup. Things that likely needed to happen. Things that I wanted to control, but absolutely couldn’t. I knew and know that one thing had nothing to do with the other, but at the time it felt like life and my boyfriend were both trying to kick me while I was down.

Although a very small part of me would love to punch the now-ex in the nose or have the classic movie moment of throwing a martini in his face, all of me is thankful for this shift. I think of it like staged dominos. When you tip the first one, it sets off a chain reaction of all the dominos being knocked down. My dominos are still in the process of falling. I acknowledge that I am in the thick of the shift and there is a ways to go before the process is “complete.” (I use quotations because our life processes are never really complete; they just transition into other processes).  Those initial darker feelings have given way to a mindset of focusing more on the possibilities for my life. I have been on a search for what I call my “free” and I feel more determined than ever to change the aforementioned routine. I’m setting new goals for myself and I’m allowing myself to consider opportunities that I typically would be too fearful of considering.

This is not to say that the boyfriend held me back from anything. Now that enough time has passed for me to have a real perspective, I can admit that I was holding myself back. Especially because I was willing to settle for the comfort of our relationship as I knew it. I was happy to support him and us, while telling myself that my free would soon find me. In a nutshell, we broke up mostly because of his journey for his own free. Our relationship and his path couldn’t go hand in hand. Although I was angry and hurt about this at first, I began to see it as a wake-up call. In relationships, while at a job we don’t like, even with parenting and putting children first, we must never lose sight of our own individual journeys. Sometimes we discover or re-discover this on our own; sometimes things shift and we are re-directed. I was really unhappy with the way some things were going in my life. Now I am beginning to better understand that what is doesn’t have to be.

All of this was propelled by a car crash. Through the healing process, I have begun to crash into myself. I am starting to peel back the many layers of me. It’s scary and I continue to run through a gamut of emotions on any given day, but I am embracing it. There is no telling who I will be or where I will land once I come through the other side.

Just for good measure, I’m attaching Dave Matthews Band’s “Crash Into Me.” The lyrical content doesn’t exactly parallel with the content of this blog, but I was thinking of the song one day and realized the title was perfect for where I am in life right now. My cousin put me on to the “Live at Luther College” album and this has become my most favorite version of the song since.

Peace and Love.

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