My spirit has been in an interesting place this week. While I have PMS that is out of this world, and I believe one of the planets are in retrograde, I have also found myself caught up in thinking about people and situations that have hurt me over these past few years. This feeling of injustice has just been sort of lingering and I’m trying my best to handle it, especially internally. When you’ve worked a 9-5 long enough, you learn how to put on the smile or face that’ll keep people out of your business. But how do we manage all of the stuff that’s inside? I have a son, a mortgage, a full-time job and other life responsibilities. I’m also no longer on medical leave, so lying in bed all day with the covers over my head is not an option. I have to deal and more importantly, I have to not allow this feeling to get the best of me.
I guess you could say the feeling was propelled by a recent split from my boyfriend. When the breakup process began, I worked hard to focus on understanding where he was coming from and the path he felt he had to take, while also trying to straddle being realistic with myself and still harboring a world of feelings for him. Then the process morphed into something more…and the end result was my feeling that our breakup became about the exact thing I was told it would never be about.
I know we all grow and change in life. That’s the being realistic part. If we never changed our minds or explored different paths, we wouldn’t be making a conscious effort to become our best selves. I feel I should remain cognizant of this, even if I also feel like I was wronged. Yet there is a struggle of letting go of the wrongdoing; of being able to walk away from an investment that you didn’t get a tangible return on.
Thinking about this breakup led me to thinking about other relationships I’ve experienced, my marriage included. My ex-husband and I are actually very close friends, but I do have moments where I’ll think back on the not-so-great parts of our wedded life together and find myself still getting upset about it. Of course it gets taken out on him under the guise of me being frustrated about something else. I think about the guy I dated for almost a year before this recent ex-boyfriend. He was the straw that broke the camel’s back. Breaking up with him forced me to take a look at myself and the relationships I was attracting. About a month later, I was led to the therapist I have now been seeing for two years. This guy ended our relationship in a very painful manner. It was especially hurtful because we’d known each other since we were kids and on numerous occasions since that relationship ended, I’ve heard stories of his involvement with a former BFF of mine. All I could keep asking myself and my therapist was “how could he do that?” Now I find myself asking this same question again.
It is easy to be swallowed whole by these thoughts and even easier to allow these thoughts to turn us into a victim. I found myself going there this week, but I’ve also been trying to immediately remind myself that I simply have to let it go. I will be 35 in 2 months, and I know by now that sometimes justice isn’t exacted in the way we think it should be. At the end of each breakup, I hoped the ex-boyfriend would have that “what did I just do?” moment. That they would call me and profess their love or show up at my door full of apologies. The justice, of course, would be me turning them away or at the very least, taking pleasure in their groveling. But those moments never happened. For the most part, I have moved on from these relationships, but the negative thoughts revisit me and the feeling of unfairness settles in. When this happens, it reminds me that I still have more work to do in practicing forgiveness and acceptance.
As I was driving home from work last night, I forced myself to shift the direction of my thoughts and consider what is really unfair. My nephew was killed when he was 18, just four short months after his son was born. For 17 years and counting, my family has lived with a void in it that can never be filled, and my great-nephew will never know the beauty of his father. That’s not fair. My brother died of leukemia in 1999, leaving behind 2 young daughters. My nieces had only a brief sweet taste of life with their father. That’s not fair. My cousin passed away from breast cancer two years ago. She was only 45 and left behind two teenage children. That’s not fair. Even my recent ex-boyfriend has been through experiences that many of us, myself included, could never understand. Life dealt him a mighty blow and while he may have hurt me, I won’t deny that he has a wonderful spirit in light of what he has been through. Considering all of this, the words for this blog started tumbling into my head and I was more than anxious to start typing. Perhaps by writing it out, I will begin to truly embark on the path of letting past hurts go.
I am not plotting revenge on my ex-boyfriends, but as I learn more about the power of Universal Law, I understand that things come full circle in their own way. This recent breakup was quite painful, but it also allowed me the space to really begin focusing on my “self” again. Right now, I have no interest in dating and all interest in charting my course from here on out. The inevitability of turning 35 freaks me out in a way, but I am proud of myself for embracing that I will still be checking the “single” box when my birthday rolls around. Like most of us, my life turned out completely different from what I thought it would be by this age. This is especially concerning marriage and having a family, but I’m actually pretty okay in that department. For me, the goal right now is to continue letting go of the stuff. When I think of the injustice, I feel no peace. When I allow myself to understand justice and let it be, I know peace. Two letters make all the difference.