I know this blog has been rather quiet for the past few months. I miss writing, and I miss the loving comments and feedback I receive when time is generously taken to provide it. It’s not that I don’t want to write. Believe me, I’ve had so many ideas pop into my head and I think, “I’m going to write about that!” But then the blog never comes. I have post-it notes placed all over my home with ideas for blog titles, but the content hasn’t come to fruition.
When I first started this blog, I made a promise to myself that my process for writing would be an organic one. As a mother, daughter, sister, friend, full-time employee, etc., I feel like I have so many obligations and I wanted this space to be one of the few places where my work isn’t forced or done because it has to be. If I felt like writing, I would. And if I didn’t, then I wouldn’t. It would be that simple. Things were a little choppy at first as I figured out the direction I wanted to take this blog in, but then I hit a streak and the writing became easier. This blog has been in existence for 3 years now and this is the first year where I’ve had months-long gaps in between postings. I personally find that interesting because I’ve had so much happen this year, that one would think I’d be furiously and continuously sharing and posting updates. But what I’ve been missing lately is that spark, the thing that hits me and makes me stop everything to write down the words that come flowing into my mind.
Sometimes I hear a song or a phrase, or I read something inspirational and words will literally start building in my mind. From there, a new blog is birthed. The titles have come, but the building off the title has not. I’ve been telling myself not to be hard on myself about this, but I mean it when I say I miss writing. It’s a gift I’ve always had, but that I’ve not put too much emphasis on, no matter how many people have told me that I need to maximize this gift.
My beloved Godmother Martha, who I call Mamere and who passed away earlier this year, always told me: “Rachel, writing is your gift and your greatest successes will come from it.” Mamere was such a sage; so knowing about so many things, that I firmly believe in this prediction. She always suggested that I send my pieces to Essence or even Time magazine, to which I’d tell her, “Mamere, they’re not going to be interested in what I have to say. My story is similar to that of so many other people. I’m simply an interracial woman who is raising her son and trying to figure out her way in this world.” Her response was always a simple, but wise one: “Yes, but no one can tell your story the way that YOU can. And you never know who will relate.” Sure enough, I’ve received comments on this blog from people who’ve said they appreciate how open I am with sharing my story because they have a similar story, or that they’ve found inspiration from the words I’ve shared. Mamere was so right. And I am so, so grateful that before her passing, she was able to read my blog postings. A few months before she left us, she sent me an email with one sentence about my blog: “I like it.” That meant the world to me. Still does.
In my journey as both a yoga student and new teacher, I have learned that certain poses represent emotional locks. And when we resist those poses (resisting can come in the form of fear or doubt), we are resisting what could be an emotional breakthrough. I have been looking at my writing this way lately. Perhaps there is an emotional lock within me that I need to release and when I do, the words will come. I’ve overcome many challenges, good and bad, so far this year but in my own personal opinion, the biggest lock has been letting go of a love relationship that I held near and dear to my heart for just about three years. It was a relationship that I completely invested myself in, even though the stakes were very high that I would not receive the same investment in return. I don’t regret making the choice to engage in the relationship; the “ups” and the high points were very happy moments for me. But what I learned, albeit somewhat painfully, is that I should never put someone else’s needs, desires, dreams and wants before mine. And admittedly, that is what I did. I loved hard and I got lost along the way. But it’s okay, because I have found, and continue to find, my way back to me. Working on the letting go part was what I found to be most challenging, because deep down, even though I made the choice to put a final end to our relationship, a part of me still wanted him to come back to me. More so, to choose me. Because I never felt like he did. But again, it’s okay, because I learned the lesson of choosing myself. And if I had to go through this particular relationship to learn that, then I am perfectly at peace with that. The more I have let go, the more I have found freedom within. And interestingly enough, I have had more ease in perfecting my expression of “bakasana” (crow pose) – the one yoga posture that is currently my challenge pose. I constantly struggled with this pose and still do, but I’ve always believed crow pose is a gateway pose for me and when I am able to hold it with ease, many of the other poses that are elusive to me will come. As I have made a conscious effort to move away from the past and follow my own voice, the lift and hold in crow has become much easier. And although this particular blog is not one of the blogs I’ve been wanting to write, it’s still a blog. The emotional release is in process. And I am moving closer and closer to living, breathing, speaking, being and returning to my most authentic self.
To those who have taken the time to read and follow my blog, I say thank you. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your encouragement. I may have disappeared for a while, but my gift of writing will never go away. I don’t know when the next blog will come, but I have a feeling it will be sooner than later. In a way, I’ve been putting myself back together emotionally, spiritually and physically and that is where the title “Alignment” in the picture comes from. It popped in my head one day and I won’t let it go away. Perhaps it will be the blog that I end this year with. And when that blog does manifest, I look forward to also sharing about my progress with crow pose. And maybe some other poses, too.
Before I end this, I’d like to share with you a quote from the great Wayne Dyer. I’ve been listening to his CD set, “Secrets of an Inspirational Life,” in my car every day for the past few weeks. It is just the nourishment my mind and soul have needed. I encourage you to check it out if and when you can.
“You’ll never find your light by analyzing your darkness. You have to analyze and immerse yourself in what is magnificent about you. You are a divine creation. You are a piece of the whole. A piece of God. Treat yourself that way at all times.”
Love and light, magnificent creations. Namaste.