I am a Lightworker. I am a healer. I am a servant of God and of service to others. My personality is upbeat. My disposition pleasant. I try to focus on the silver lining and encourage others to do the same.
I’ve had bouts of anger, depression, fear and anxiety. I’ve done therapy for three years, deepened my Yoga practice and became a Yoga teacher as part of my journey towards healing. Healing is work that never ends. It runs on a continuum, as we grow and change each day.
Most recently, I’ve discovered, I have more hurt and anger within me than I realized. I carry baggage I thought I put down. I’ve contemplated reaching out to my therapist. But then I remind myself that it is in these moments where the work I’ve done with her in the past comes into play. I have to see my way through this on my own.
Resigning from my corporate job to pursue a more purpose-filled life has been more scary than I thought, but also a bit easier than I expected. “Bit” is a big little word, mind you. Overall though, I thought resigning would make certain things in my life a bit more manageable. In most ways, it has. But right now, things feel difficult. I feel like I’m struggling somewhere inside. I’m trying hard to tap into that space so I can breathe and work my way through it.
I’m scared. I feel alone at times. I wonder how “it” will all turn out, while simultaneously trying to detach myself from any expectations. I’m trying to flow.
I’m working to find peace.
I have been in a place these past few days. More like these past few weeks. Tomorrow (July 4) will mark exactly five months from the day I took a leap of faith and submitted my resignation to my corporate job. I was making almost $90,000 per year with excellent benefits for myself and my son. And I decided to walk away from it without a clear plan of where I was going and a savings account that could be laughable. I just knew after ten years with the same company, doing work I was unfulfilled by and feeling a calling in my heart for a more purpose-filled life, that it was time to go. My soul had to find what it was looking for. I was teaching Yoga part-time and I knew if I had nothing else, I had that. Within three months of resigning I landed two teaching jobs, in addition to the classes I was already teaching part-time. I am now up to teaching six classes per week and take on substitute opportunities when they are available.
In the beginning of June, I signed on for a one-time weeklong teaching gig which, for some reason, left me exhausted and energetically depleted. It was my first lesson in the business of Yoga. Learning that I didn’t have to take every offer just because it seemed glamorous or would connect me with a certain level of clients. I have found it difficult to fully pull myself out of the space I felt I was left in after that gig was done. I have been questioning my decisions and my choices, more concerned about my finances and experiencing bouts of Yoga burnout. I know I am not alone in this and I find relief in this knowledge. I also know it takes every day work to keep a positive mindset and not give in to the feelings of worry and anxiety that can lurk in our hearts and minds.
Struggling with this feeling as I woke up this morning, my eyes landed on a book I purchased months ago but have not yet read. “The Dark Side of the Light Chasers,” by Debbie Ford. I picked it up and within the first few pages, I came across these words from the I Ching:
“It is only when we have the courage
to face things exactly as they are,
without any self-deception or illusion,
that a light will develop out of events,
by which the path to success
may be recognized.”
Once I read this, I knew Spirit led me to finally picking up the book. Instead of being hard on myself for what I am feeling, I am going to honor myself for having the courage to see and feel things exactly as they are. The road to peace comes with having honest conversations with yourself. I know I still want to serve. I still believe in my Light. But to be able to truly assist others with their healing process, which is the work I want to do, I have to know what my own dark sides are. I have to embrace my shadows. And right now, I am dealing with the shadow of questioning everything and feeling somewhat unsure. I know the answers will come as long as I keep moving forward with an open heart and a commitment to serve.
These are the spaces in which we are challenged to follow our own intuition. As the words from the I Ching remind us, when we accept things as they are, we learn and recognize the direction in which we need to go. This is when we truly begin to live an authentic life. That is my ultimate goal. And inner peace. Always inner peace.
Have faith that all will be will. This is a reminder to others as much as it is to myself.
Love and Light. Namaste. And Om Shanti, Shanti, Shanti.