I know the title of this post is just about eight months old. Earlier today, I was flipping through some journal entries from last year (how is 2016 “last year” already?!) and I came across this one I wrote on May 23. As usual, it’s been a while since I’ve posted on this blog. I’ve been quite busy creating “the free” I’ve written about in my postings over the years. There’s much I want to share and I keep saying I’m going to write a blog about my experiences, but that particular piece has yet to come to life. I’m going to keep it non-existent for now, because in time – and when the time is right – I will share the whole story of leaving my corporate job, plunging into teaching yoga full-time and making it my career, and everything else that’s happened in between. It hasn’t been an easy journey, but anything that’s worth it is never easy, right?
I’m going to write verbatim from my journal what I wrote on May 23, 2016. Perhaps it will resonate with some. Perhaps it won’t. I’m just following my spirit, which said to share this entry, so here it is:
My son’s last day of being 8. Reminding myself to be more present with him. Even though I am his sole present parent, I am still not always mindfully present. Rushing him to get to bed or a space where I can have quiet. Being on the phone (sometimes and necessary times are OK; but be more mindful). Often (not always) rushing out of his room for my time when he asks me to lay down with him for a few moments. Sometimes I am tired and hungry. Most times, I can make the time.
Yes, it does feel like a lot as the only parent caring for my son. (The story about his dad will be shared in the aforementioned blog posting). But I can’t let the anger and frustration of that define me anymore. I have to still do what I think or feel I would do if I was in a supportive and loving relationship or co-parent relationship. I think I’d have more ease if I had more support. I have to find and be the ease without the support.
One day my son will grow and not be the same sweet little boy he is now and I need to cherish each and every moment. Especially since he is my only one I have right now.
My strength will become his strength. My confidence his confidence. My love and peace his love and peace. Living my life purposefully so he will always be aware of the choices he wants to make to live his own life of purpose. Focus more on what is and less on what isn’t. Don’t focus on what isn’t at all. Live in gratitude for what we have and wait with open arms and an open heart for all the joy that is coming.
And it ends there. Maybe there was a message in that for someone. Or maybe this was just a reminder for myself.