I have been thinking a lot on self-worth lately. Particularly when it comes to relationship spaces. I struggled with posting this at first, because I don’t want to seem like I’m pushing a subliminal message to someone, nor do I personally want to put out “I’m good by my damn self” energy to the Universe when I know my heart desires true companionship.
But this is not putting out that energy. This is more a declaration of understanding who I am. My value. My worth. As a human. As a woman. And it’s been weighing on my heart to share this message. For so many years, I was more willing to remove my crown than I was to walk away from situations that weren’t healthy. Hell, there were days where I couldn’t even recognize that I was wearing a crown. Yes, I was loved growing up. But it was just my plight to try and fill myself up with love from the outside. It has only been in my later 30s that I finally started seeking, learning, and truly understanding real love that comes from within. I’m 38 and I’m learning to be ok with uncomfortable conversations where, in the end, the conversations are based on defining my worth and choosing me. I’m not perfect and I know I’m not. I’m strong in will and mind. I can be stubborn. I have an opinion. An educated one at that. I’m passionate. I’m intense. I’m a Scorpio woman. I’m emotional. But I damn sure am worthy.
Honor your self. Accept who you are – the good stuff and the rough edges. Choose you. Decide who and what is worth your time and energy. Learn when to stay and when to walk away. And this is not just in relationships, but in Life. Wear your crown proudly and be the Queen you are. I myself am learning to get more comfy with my own.
Acknowledging my fears.
Speaking my truth.
Standing in my truth.
Learning my truth.
Let it go.
I don’t know.
Keep moving forward.
In spite of…Keep loving.
Following my heart…
As an interracial woman, I have often been asked the question, “What are you?” A running joke between me and my mixed comrades. I remember telling a social media friend once that I’m going to respond “an alien” the next time I get that question. I am not offended by people asking. I am often curious about people’s backgrounds myself. But the joke is in the “what,” as though I am not human. That is what I am. A human. A woman who is very much still trying to find her place in this world.
At 37 years-old, I continue to grapple with the question of not what am I, but who am I? This year of 2015 has been a very defining one for me. The biggest thing that happened occurred when I decided to take a leap of faith and leave my corporate job after 15 years of being in the professional workforce. I am focusing more on teaching Yoga and aligning myself with my purpose, which I know, above all things, is based in service to humanity. Leaving a corporate job, especially with not a lot of money saved nor a real plan outside of honoring an internal calling, is quite scary. More than anything else, it will show a person how they have defined themselves within a box. What’s scary is learning to think and live outside of that box.
In many ways, I have pushed past boundaries that were either self-defined or created by others. This mainly relates to my spiritual journey, where I was raised as a Baptist but explored Islam in my 20s, ultimately deciding to convert and be a practicing Muslim for two years. From there it was Yoga and a completely new spiritual path opened up for me. I pull Angel cards and believe in Angel therapy. I consult with spirit guides, although I don’t know exactly who my guides are outside of some who have transitioned from this life and who I feel are with me. I light Palo Santo sticks and sit in front of my meditation altar when I write in my journal. I believe in Universal law. My present spiritual station is not one that is defined by religion, but after years of continuos seeking, I feel closer in my relationship with God than I have ever felt. It is not easy embracing such a path when you’re the only one in your Christian family who is doing so, but I am proud of myself for honoring the course that continues to be laid in front of me. Through all my years of constant seeking and asking questions, I was looking for a space where I fit. And when I sit cross-legged in front of my altar with my incense burning, I realize I have found that space. But the question of “who am I?” still remains. The following is what comes to mind.
I am a hippie girl and a Black revolutionary. I love people. I love my people. My vibe tribe scattered throughout the world, sharing their love and light and gifts with others. Helping to create a better, more humanistic global society. I am my maternal family. My mother. My grandmother. My aunts. My brothers, uncles, nephews, nieces and cousins. All shades of brown. Rooted with history in Texas, with an extension in New York and New Jersey by way of my mother. I am proud of my mother’s heritage. My Black heritage.
I honor my father. His family with European roots and scattered throughout New York, the Midwest, Pennsylvania, California and now Tennessee. I have less of a connection to these roots, but an unbreakable bond with my father and the stepmother and stepbrother he brought into my life. It was in this world where I learned of Bob Marley, The Beatles, The Eagles, Bluegrass music, Classical music. Woodstock. Politics. Peace. Hope. Yoga. This world shaped my ideals and some of the core principles of who I am.
Combined together, the love my mother and father once shared resulted in my existence. And with it came the elements that would open me to my world vibe tribe. It is all Love. It is all connection. It is all me. Who I am. A balance I am learning to embrace. An awakening and understanding that makes me feel a most subtle sense of peace and happiness
I have often tried to define myself as one of these things. A conditioned way of thinking that comes from living inside the box. But as I continue to grow and make choices that are more authentic and based in how I emotionally, physically and spiritually respond to things, I learn that I don’t have to be just one of these things. I am the sum of all my parts. Parts that I am learning are wild and beautiful. I am feeling myself living more and more on purpose.
I am finding the one thing I have been always searching for. I am finding me.
That is what I am. Human Me. Feeling and being free to be exactly who I am.
My Soul Mate. My Companion. My Life Partner. The One with whom I share the most intimate love.
You accept me for who I am. Quirky. Questioning. Talkative. Sensitive. Emotional. Energetic. Passionate. Wild. Free.
You accept my moments of co-dependency. You let me be when I choose to withdraw.
You support my Yoga. My dreams.
You understand my quest for peace, but calm me when I get anxious. Worried. Fearful. Some of the things I try to work through every day.
You call me at random times. Ask me on random lunch dates. Share my dream to travel. To create. To have a family.
You hold nothing back in loving me, and allow me to love you in return.
You love my son as if he were your own.
You encourage me to always love myself.
You accept my irrational moments. My moments of run-ins with my family. My debts. My mistakes from the past. My hopes for the future. My journey of trying to live in the every day present.
We love. We laugh. We live. We are.
Because we allow each other to be.
From the author: I was thinking of love today and how I’d like it to show up in my life. It took many years of living, learning and being “in love,” to truly understand that more than anything else, you have to be and let be. I decided to write the words down as a vision. Intentions I am putting into the Universe. Love self. Love others. And allow yourself to receive love in return.
I’m a pretty emotional and sentimental person, but I’ve never gotten too crazy over Valentine’s Day. Well, maybe in my teens and 20s if I was in a relationship at the time. But as I’ve grown and matured, and gotten more in touch with my emotions, I have found that I see Valentine’s Day as a special day, but also just another day.
Perhaps this is a coping mechanism, as I haven’t been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day in quite a while. When I was in one 2 or 3 years back, the person I was with didn’t make a big deal of it either and I just rolled with it. Don’t get me wrong, I love to receive flowers at work and I wouldn’t reject a Valentine’s delivery, but I’m more of a, “I sent you flowers just because it’s Wednesday” kind of girl.
My perspective on this day is personally interesting. I am reflecting on how for so long, and I mean years, I strongly desired to be in a relationship and almost felt undefined without one. And now, here I am, homebound with my 6 year-old son for a second day due to a snowstorm. Outside of work, I don’t have any plans for this day. I have no expectations for a delivery to come to my door. I know that when I check my social media outlets later, they will be flooded with “look at what I got!” pictures. And yet, I’m content. Instead of being sad or forlorn about the relationship I don’t have, I’m grateful for what I do have. And that is a day at home with my son. Another day I was given not to make the hour-long, traffic-filled drive to and from work. Another day to save money. Another day to not have to rush. And to top it off, Monday is a holiday, so there is more time to look forward to. The hottest date I have planned for this weekend is taking my son to see the new Lego movie he’s been asking me about. And I’m okay with that.
This is not an anti-Valentine’s Day manifesto, nor am I writing out of bitterness from not being in a relationship. I absolutely love love and I’m sure if I were in a relationship, I’d be making some kind of plan for the night or weekend. I just felt the urge to write “Happy Valentine’s Day” to my readers and as I started typing, more words came to mind. That’s how this writing process is for me at times.
I do still desire to have and share true companionship and a partnership one day. But one of the most valuable lessons I have learned along this journey of mine, is not to fight against the current and instead, do my best to go with the flow. After my last relationship, I fell into a space where I became my top priority and I feel I am very much still a work in progress. We always are in a way, but it’s more about feeling a sense of peace deep within. I believe that when I feel completely at ease with who I am and what my purpose is, everything else will fall into place. Some days are certainly harder than others, but I do my best to remind myself of honoring the current space I’m in. I know it’s the relationship with my self that needs the most nurturing right now.
If you do feel a little down today, know that it’s okay. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Each and every day is different and sometimes, you just don’t know how you’ll handle it. But try not to get stuck. Focus on changing your thinking and reflecting on something positive. The smallest shift can make the biggest difference. I am making baby steps with this, but everyday, I learn a little more about the importance of controlling our thoughts. They are the roots of what manifests in our life.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Loves. Namaste.
I know this blog has been rather quiet for the past few months. I miss writing, and I miss the loving comments and feedback I receive when time is generously taken to provide it. It’s not that I don’t want to write. Believe me, I’ve had so many ideas pop into my head and I think, “I’m going to write about that!” But then the blog never comes. I have post-it notes placed all over my home with ideas for blog titles, but the content hasn’t come to fruition.
When I first started this blog, I made a promise to myself that my process for writing would be an organic one. As a mother, daughter, sister, friend, full-time employee, etc., I feel like I have so many obligations and I wanted this space to be one of the few places where my work isn’t forced or done because it has to be. If I felt like writing, I would. And if I didn’t, then I wouldn’t. It would be that simple. Things were a little choppy at first as I figured out the direction I wanted to take this blog in, but then I hit a streak and the writing became easier. This blog has been in existence for 3 years now and this is the first year where I’ve had months-long gaps in between postings. I personally find that interesting because I’ve had so much happen this year, that one would think I’d be furiously and continuously sharing and posting updates. But what I’ve been missing lately is that spark, the thing that hits me and makes me stop everything to write down the words that come flowing into my mind.
Sometimes I hear a song or a phrase, or I read something inspirational and words will literally start building in my mind. From there, a new blog is birthed. The titles have come, but the building off the title has not. I’ve been telling myself not to be hard on myself about this, but I mean it when I say I miss writing. It’s a gift I’ve always had, but that I’ve not put too much emphasis on, no matter how many people have told me that I need to maximize this gift.
My beloved Godmother Martha, who I call Mamere and who passed away earlier this year, always told me: “Rachel, writing is your gift and your greatest successes will come from it.” Mamere was such a sage; so knowing about so many things, that I firmly believe in this prediction. She always suggested that I send my pieces to Essence or even Time magazine, to which I’d tell her, “Mamere, they’re not going to be interested in what I have to say. My story is similar to that of so many other people. I’m simply an interracial woman who is raising her son and trying to figure out her way in this world.” Her response was always a simple, but wise one: “Yes, but no one can tell your story the way that YOU can. And you never know who will relate.” Sure enough, I’ve received comments on this blog from people who’ve said they appreciate how open I am with sharing my story because they have a similar story, or that they’ve found inspiration from the words I’ve shared. Mamere was so right. And I am so, so grateful that before her passing, she was able to read my blog postings. A few months before she left us, she sent me an email with one sentence about my blog: “I like it.” That meant the world to me. Still does.
In my journey as both a yoga student and new teacher, I have learned that certain poses represent emotional locks. And when we resist those poses (resisting can come in the form of fear or doubt), we are resisting what could be an emotional breakthrough. I have been looking at my writing this way lately. Perhaps there is an emotional lock within me that I need to release and when I do, the words will come. I’ve overcome many challenges, good and bad, so far this year but in my own personal opinion, the biggest lock has been letting go of a love relationship that I held near and dear to my heart for just about three years. It was a relationship that I completely invested myself in, even though the stakes were very high that I would not receive the same investment in return. I don’t regret making the choice to engage in the relationship; the “ups” and the high points were very happy moments for me. But what I learned, albeit somewhat painfully, is that I should never put someone else’s needs, desires, dreams and wants before mine. And admittedly, that is what I did. I loved hard and I got lost along the way. But it’s okay, because I have found, and continue to find, my way back to me. Working on the letting go part was what I found to be most challenging, because deep down, even though I made the choice to put a final end to our relationship, a part of me still wanted him to come back to me. More so, to choose me. Because I never felt like he did. But again, it’s okay, because I learned the lesson of choosing myself. And if I had to go through this particular relationship to learn that, then I am perfectly at peace with that. The more I have let go, the more I have found freedom within. And interestingly enough, I have had more ease in perfecting my expression of “bakasana” (crow pose) – the one yoga posture that is currently my challenge pose. I constantly struggled with this pose and still do, but I’ve always believed crow pose is a gateway pose for me and when I am able to hold it with ease, many of the other poses that are elusive to me will come. As I have made a conscious effort to move away from the past and follow my own voice, the lift and hold in crow has become much easier. And although this particular blog is not one of the blogs I’ve been wanting to write, it’s still a blog. The emotional release is in process. And I am moving closer and closer to living, breathing, speaking, being and returning to my most authentic self.
To those who have taken the time to read and follow my blog, I say thank you. Thank you for your love. Thank you for your support. Thank you for your encouragement. I may have disappeared for a while, but my gift of writing will never go away. I don’t know when the next blog will come, but I have a feeling it will be sooner than later. In a way, I’ve been putting myself back together emotionally, spiritually and physically and that is where the title “Alignment” in the picture comes from. It popped in my head one day and I won’t let it go away. Perhaps it will be the blog that I end this year with. And when that blog does manifest, I look forward to also sharing about my progress with crow pose. And maybe some other poses, too.
Before I end this, I’d like to share with you a quote from the great Wayne Dyer. I’ve been listening to his CD set, “Secrets of an Inspirational Life,” in my car every day for the past few weeks. It is just the nourishment my mind and soul have needed. I encourage you to check it out if and when you can.
“You’ll never find your light by analyzing your darkness. You have to analyze and immerse yourself in what is magnificent about you. You are a divine creation. You are a piece of the whole. A piece of God. Treat yourself that way at all times.”
Love and light, magnificent creations. Namaste.