I know the title of this post is just about eight months old. Earlier today, I was flipping through some journal entries from last year (how is 2016 “last year” already?!) and I came across this one I wrote on May 23. As usual, it’s been a while since I’ve posted on this blog. I’ve been quite busy creating “the free” I’ve written about in my postings over the years. There’s much I want to share and I keep saying I’m going to write a blog about my experiences, but that particular piece has yet to come to life. I’m going to keep it non-existent for now, because in time – and when the time is right – I will share the whole story of leaving my corporate job, plunging into teaching yoga full-time and making it my career, and everything else that’s happened in between. It hasn’t been an easy journey, but anything that’s worth it is never easy, right?
I’m going to write verbatim from my journal what I wrote on May 23, 2016. Perhaps it will resonate with some. Perhaps it won’t. I’m just following my spirit, which said to share this entry, so here it is:
My son’s last day of being 8. Reminding myself to be more present with him. Even though I am his sole present parent, I am still not always mindfully present. Rushing him to get to bed or a space where I can have quiet. Being on the phone (sometimes and necessary times are OK; but be more mindful). Often (not always) rushing out of his room for my time when he asks me to lay down with him for a few moments. Sometimes I am tired and hungry. Most times, I can make the time.
Yes, it does feel like a lot as the only parent caring for my son. (The story about his dad will be shared in the aforementioned blog posting). But I can’t let the anger and frustration of that define me anymore. I have to still do what I think or feel I would do if I was in a supportive and loving relationship or co-parent relationship. I think I’d have more ease if I had more support. I have to find and be the ease without the support.
One day my son will grow and not be the same sweet little boy he is now and I need to cherish each and every moment. Especially since he is my only one I have right now.
My strength will become his strength. My confidence his confidence. My love and peace his love and peace. Living my life purposefully so he will always be aware of the choices he wants to make to live his own life of purpose. Focus more on what is and less on what isn’t. Don’t focus on what isn’t at all. Live in gratitude for what we have and wait with open arms and an open heart for all the joy that is coming.
And it ends there. Maybe there was a message in that for someone. Or maybe this was just a reminder for myself.
I have really missed this space. I miss writing. I tell myself almost every day, “I need to write.” And yet this space has continued to remain empty. For months, I haven’t shared a thought, a quote, an inspirational passage…nothing. I’ve had moments where words have hit me and I thought I would write something. But still nothing has come to pass. Sometimes this scares me, because I call myself a writer and yet, I am not writing. More so, I was told by my Godmother that my greatest success would be in writing. She transitioned last year and I now consider her as one of my ancestors. She had a very knowing way about her and was a sage in her own right. She spoke to the higher level that lies within me. A level she’d always known was there, but that I would eventually have to find my way to.
I’m still finding my way.
I digress about my Godmother because in my heart, I feel and believe that if she saw the writer in me, then it must be true. But if I am not writing, then how can it be my greatest success? I always state that I want my writing to be organic and not forced. But I wonder sometimes if I don’t write out of fear. As I grow older, more mature, more awake and more enlightened, I realize that I tend to fear that which speaks to my greatest potential. I know I am courageous, because for the most part, I have felt fear and moved forward anyway. This was made evident through moving to the Washington, DC metro area from New Jersey for grad school and not knowing a soul when I got here. When I got married and gave birth to my son. When I filed for divorced and became a single parent. When I trained to be a Yoga instructor and for Thai Yoga massage and Reiki I certifications. But it’s about taking things to the next level.
I teach one Yoga class per week, but have somewhat avoided taking on private clients, even though I have had my fair share of requests for private sessions. In being completely transparent, I fear that even with all my formal training, I am suddenly not going to know something or that I am not going to be able to help someone, or worse, that I could hurt someone. This fear translates into avoiding reading emails that I know have requests for private sessions or not really putting myself out there for obtaining clients. And the funny thing about this all? The people who I have done private yoga with just for fun, or who I have practiced a Thai Yoga massage or Reiki on, have all said the same thing: that I have warm, healing hands and energy work is exactly what I should be doing. What’s even funnier is that almost every day when I drive to work, I ask myself what else can I be doing? What is it that I want to do instead of spending so much time in traffic and constantly feeling like I’m rushing someplace? I ask myself as though I don’t know the answer, when answers have clearly been placed in front of me.
I’m still finding my way.
In my mind, I live on or near the beach. My home is an open, airy space with a room that is dedicated to Yoga, meditation and other forms of energy healing. When I wake up in the mornings, I do my own Yoga practice. I meditate. I read affirmations. I write in my journal. I am able to prepare breakfast for my son in a leisurely manner and I am able to drop him off at school without constantly trying to move him along and make him go faster because there is a looming clock to beat. Instead of sitting in and fighting my way through traffic to get to a place where I mainly sit behind a computer all day, I go teach Yoga classes. I meet with private clients. I write contributing pieces for like-minded publications. I share affirmations and writing pieces in my social media spaces. I am able to pick my son up from school and take part in his extracurricular activities. I am at peace.
At this stage in my life, I know enough to know that peace is what you make it. The true work of Yoga and meditation is being able to find peace and solace in the midst of even the most chaotic situations. But what I see in my mind’s eye makes my soul feel at peace. I have pictures that speak to this life on my vision board. I know what it will take to get me there, but it’s that initial first step I have hesitated to take. This is the fear I speak of. The fear that I know is preventing me from my greatest potential. The fear that I believe plays a part in my lack of writing. I am at Point A and I can see Point B. It’s the bridge in between that I have held myself back from crossing. On this side lies questions and wondering. On that side lies a life I envision for myself. It’s another experience of having to feel the fear and doing it anyway.
I don’t know if this particular blog post makes much sense. But I am now sitting here, proud of myself for having finally written something. I didn’t know exactly what I was going to write. I just knew I wanted to share that I have missed this space.
I felt the fear of not writing and I wrote anyway.
I’m going to keep that vision of the life I want at the front of my mind.
I’m still finding my way…
I’m a pretty emotional and sentimental person, but I’ve never gotten too crazy over Valentine’s Day. Well, maybe in my teens and 20s if I was in a relationship at the time. But as I’ve grown and matured, and gotten more in touch with my emotions, I have found that I see Valentine’s Day as a special day, but also just another day.
Perhaps this is a coping mechanism, as I haven’t been in a relationship on Valentine’s Day in quite a while. When I was in one 2 or 3 years back, the person I was with didn’t make a big deal of it either and I just rolled with it. Don’t get me wrong, I love to receive flowers at work and I wouldn’t reject a Valentine’s delivery, but I’m more of a, “I sent you flowers just because it’s Wednesday” kind of girl.
My perspective on this day is personally interesting. I am reflecting on how for so long, and I mean years, I strongly desired to be in a relationship and almost felt undefined without one. And now, here I am, homebound with my 6 year-old son for a second day due to a snowstorm. Outside of work, I don’t have any plans for this day. I have no expectations for a delivery to come to my door. I know that when I check my social media outlets later, they will be flooded with “look at what I got!” pictures. And yet, I’m content. Instead of being sad or forlorn about the relationship I don’t have, I’m grateful for what I do have. And that is a day at home with my son. Another day I was given not to make the hour-long, traffic-filled drive to and from work. Another day to save money. Another day to not have to rush. And to top it off, Monday is a holiday, so there is more time to look forward to. The hottest date I have planned for this weekend is taking my son to see the new Lego movie he’s been asking me about. And I’m okay with that.
This is not an anti-Valentine’s Day manifesto, nor am I writing out of bitterness from not being in a relationship. I absolutely love love and I’m sure if I were in a relationship, I’d be making some kind of plan for the night or weekend. I just felt the urge to write “Happy Valentine’s Day” to my readers and as I started typing, more words came to mind. That’s how this writing process is for me at times.
I do still desire to have and share true companionship and a partnership one day. But one of the most valuable lessons I have learned along this journey of mine, is not to fight against the current and instead, do my best to go with the flow. After my last relationship, I fell into a space where I became my top priority and I feel I am very much still a work in progress. We always are in a way, but it’s more about feeling a sense of peace deep within. I believe that when I feel completely at ease with who I am and what my purpose is, everything else will fall into place. Some days are certainly harder than others, but I do my best to remind myself of honoring the current space I’m in. I know it’s the relationship with my self that needs the most nurturing right now.
If you do feel a little down today, know that it’s okay. Allow yourself to feel what you feel. Each and every day is different and sometimes, you just don’t know how you’ll handle it. But try not to get stuck. Focus on changing your thinking and reflecting on something positive. The smallest shift can make the biggest difference. I am making baby steps with this, but everyday, I learn a little more about the importance of controlling our thoughts. They are the roots of what manifests in our life.
Happy Valentine’s Day, Loves. Namaste.
It’s been quite some time since I’ve posted a blog. It has been my mission to try and at least get one written piece posted per month, if not more. My struggle lately has been that I’ve either had words, thoughts or ideas in my head, but not the time or environment where I can get those words out, or I’ve had the time but just couldn’t find the words.
Although I have great visions for where this blog can go, in the present moment I tend to write simply when my spirit is moved to do so. I don’t want to post just for the sake of posting, no matter how much I cringe when I see that my last post was written over a month ago. I am not one to rely heavily on excuses, but there has been a lot on my plate lately. The loss of my beloved Godmother who was/is the driving force behind my development as a writer. Yoga Teacher Training on the weekends. Work. Motherhood. Planning a trip to Disney. Attending an out-of-town blog conference. I know that last one is ironic; attending a blog conference and still being at a loss for written words. I learned some great tools and tips, and as I sat in the conference workshops, I thought of all the things I could write when I got back to my computer. And those words will still come. But instead of rushing back to my laptop when the conference ended, I spent some leisurely time with a dear friend who attended the conference with me. We returned to my mother’s house where we were staying and we talked for hours and hours about any and everything. Relationships, our visions, our life’s purpose, spirit guides, celebrities. If you name it, we probably talked about it. I think spending that time was more important than anything I could have written down in the moment. After all, you’ve got to have the moments to write about, right?
So here I am, now in Florida on that Disney trip I planned. My 6 year-old son miraculously is still in the bed way after 9 AM. My travel companion is also sleeping and I’m laying here with all of my thoughts. I’m proud of myself for making this trip happen. When my son was born, I placed Disney on my Mommy “to do” list and I’m grateful for the means and opportunity to accomplish this. I took a quiet moment to thank the Creator and then I rolled over and picked up my phone. I had only planned on writing a line or two about a new blog coming soon, but a few paragraphs later and here I am with a blog I didn’t intend to write. Seems the time and the words found me at the same time.
My son just woke up and popped his head in my room. It’s time for the Disney adventures to begin. More moments to cherish. More moments to inspire me for future blog postings.
Peace, Love and Namaste.
At exactly 6:40 AM today, my son officially turned 5 years-old. Being his mom has been nothing short of an adventure. When I was pregnant with him, I never worried about the pain of labor and delivery. I braced my mind with the thought of “just get through it.” I was more afraid about what would happen once he was placed in my arms. Would I be a good mom? Would I know what to do? Would I be able to fully uphold the responsibility of this blessing? There really was no turning back. But arrive he did, and I’ve been figuring it all out every day since.
Motherhood has been quite the journey; single motherhood more so. My son and I became a team when he was only a year old and raising him almost single-handedly has been no easy feat. However, I am thankful that I was chosen to be his life vessel. I am probably learning more from him than he is learning from me. My son is a sweet, loving, compassionate, funny, inquisitive, stubborn, hard-headed, strong-willed, beautiful young child who is already a die-hard fan of Michael Jackson. Since his arrival during that early morning of May 24, 2007, life has been interesting to say the least.
When he was born, 5 years-old seemed so far away. But here it is. I thank God. And I pray for many more happy years. Mommy loves you. ♥